Co labouring with Heaven : The garbage dump.

Two weeks ago while being here in Pemba I started hearing about the garbage dump. It is one of the darkest places here in Pemba, known for it's smell, it's demons, and it's hopelessness. Surrounding the dump is a small village hung on the edge of dirt heaps and surrounded by thick ashy dust. The momma's and children that live there spend most of their days living off of the remains of what they find there, living in the despair of hopelessness and worthlessness, without ever hearing about things like purposes, dreams or destinies.

The past few weeks Father has been speaking to me so much about the beautiful inheritance I get to receive as a daughter in eternity but not only in eternity but now as I live as a foreigner and a visitor on earth. The privileges I have as a daughter are countless and the gifts and blessings I get to receive because of the position I have with Father in the heavenly places are beyond anything I could have imagined. Adoption sets us free to live like Heaven is on earth- closer than the skin on our bones. It sets us free to live knowing the beautiful reality of our invasion with it- that we actually carry it. Sons and daughters, grafted into the unity of the Father and the Son are the beholders and possessors of the greatest intimacy that could ever be possible, the most romantic and beautiful union that could ever take place- we are the symbolic and prophetic representation of the hope for the union of Heaven and earth.

Since he has been showing me more since I have been here about Heaven inside of me, I have been desperate to see it invade earth. Usually the most likely places, people and situations for this happening are the unlikely, the not thought of and the unexpected. Father has been showing me the upside down realities of Heaven- that what I see on earth with my little human eyes is the complete opposite of what Heaven sees and as soon as I can see on earth what Heaven sees, something changes, heaven actually shows up and unites with earth. 

Father has the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. His eyes don't see us in time, as we are now- they see much deeper, they see us for who we once were, who we are now IN LIGHT of the cross and who we will become because of it. He sees the everything in the not yet, the full potential and hope for the right now and what once was. 

Believing I'm a daughter has been revolutionizing because Father actually wants to co labor with me as He is inside of me, He actually wants me to have His eyes, the eyes from Heaven which are outside of time- that see the past, present and future in light of the cross. Believing that Father actually wants to birth his new kingdom through me and bring heaven to earth through me and my little life has put me to tears so many times. What is my life that the God of the universe wants to birth things through me? He actually does not want to do it without me. He longs to have a bride who can come alongside of Him, who can be His little helper, who he can work with to bring heaven to earth. 

This makes me dance! This makes me sing and rejoice. This makes me want to give up my old ways of seeing, this makes me want to give up my life and vow to never ever do or see on my own again. This makes me want to run as fast as I can into the darkest of places and turn them all into the light of heaven! 

Now back to hearing about the garbage dump in Pemba. Father gave me a picture two weeks ago that I was standing over a big pile of garbage and dancing and singing potential and life into it's not yet. As soon as I heard about the garbage dump and the people who live there I knew He wanted me to go. As I have been making some visits there after this week so many beautiful things have been happening! 

This week as I made my own visits to the dump with Heaven's eyes, I saw The Lord do so many incredible things and love came and invaded the darkness. Father saw a 3 month old little life with leprosy and instead of seeing death, disease and decay, He saw a life with a potential to live, a life worth it all, and as we prayed over him, we saw his little wounds be healed up and restored before our eyes and we are believing he will no longer live with leprosy and decaying until he loses his life but that he will "Live" healed and restored through the power of Jesus.

Father also saw 30-40 little lives in the dump who have never heard of the person named Jesus and who have never known what it's like to have a dream. They all marvelled at the thought and concept of feeling completely worthy and capable of beholding true love as a real person and having him live inside of them. As we shared the gospel with them their little hands raised to heaven and recieved the love that sees and passionately pursues, that touches the most unwanted and unworthy. Heaven's eyes saw past their hopelessness and their worthlessness and he saw princes and princesses, kings and queens, sons and daughters, teachers and rulers, mothers and fathers, producers and artists, nurses and doctors. He saw the dreams and purposes for each one. As we made our way into the garbage dump, some of them were so ashamed that they were found there that they ran away or wouldn't look at us, others ran to us with so much love and excitement. They followed us with many of their skin infections, bacterial infections, sicknesses and terminal illnesses  and we told them about Jesus and gave them the opportunity to feel totally completely accepted and loved, adopted and set free.

We also were able to visit a momma and her family who Jesus touched last week. Last week Heaven's eyes saw more in a life sick and unnamed, with no hope of a future and destined by the world to die, He stopped for that life and actually saw a life destined with a plan and a purpose, a hope and a future. Father's compassion breathed life into him and named him "Live!" and the blackness of death literally left that babies eyes and new life came into him. This week as I held him and chatted with his momma I felt that Father really had filled their home with His presence and that He gave that family a little touch of what love looks like. 

Father just loves the dark places so much. He is such a fierce and passionate lover just waiting for his children to say "yes" to his wild pursuit of their hearts. He is always always saying a "YES" over us. He is always only just wanting to love, He can't help it, it is everything He is and must do not because He has to but because He just is. He tells us who we are. 

He is just giving me so much excitement for the dark places. We possess in us right now what we need to change the world around us. We are the move of God that people need. We are the next revival waiting to happen because He wants to use us! 

Jesus when He was on earth prayed "Your kingdom come on earth as it is in Heaven." Shouldn't that be ours as well?-a lived out prayer not only said but done in faith? Every kingdom is under His kingdom which is our inheritance so we have it in us to bring heaven and earth into alignment. 

Every scary and dark place becomes easy to step into when we know what we have; the greatest weapon that stomps on the powers of darkness and crushes the plans of death is simply but powerfully, love. 

Father I just pray you give us a revelation of what's inside of us and for your eyes that see from Heavens perspective and not our own.

Heaven sees the light in the darkness, the beauty in the ugly, the potential and purpose in the not yet, the purity in the impure, the life in the dead, the joy in the despair, and the rivers in the deserts.

"If you say "surely darkness shall cover me and the light about me be night- even the darkness is not dark to you, the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light to you" Psalm 139

"The light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it" John 1:5

"I am the light of the world, whoever follows me will not walk in darkness but will have the light of life." John 8:12

Mud huts and Heavenly mansions

Holy, Holy, Holy. Holy, Holy, Holy. We are not of this world. We are incomparable. We are from Heaven, we are Holy, Holy, Holy. Holy, Holy, Holy, because He is Holy. 

"If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died! And your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory." Colossians 3:1-4

Every Friday and Saturday my practical missions team goes and builds houses for the widows in one of the villages close to Iris. For the past few weeks we have been working on a house that was completely demolished in the flood a few months ago. The house belonged to a beautiful petite widow named Albertina. The Lord told me before I came that I would meet beauty incarnate while in Pemba and when I met Albertina I knew she would show me what beauty looks like. She is one of the most beautiful women I have ever met in real life. Since we have been coming back to her home for the past few weeks, we have been developing a relationship with her and all of her many children- that seem to be some hers and some just from the community that do not at all hesitate to call her "momma". Even though she cannot communicate with us verbally because of the language barrier, through her essence and her presence she has told me so many beautiful things about the kingdom, about true beauty and real love. She has the most beautiful dark brown eyes I have ever seen. Albertina cannot walk. She is bed ridden because she only has one leg, her children and her neighbours take care of her but they still seem to have this respect and honour for her like she is their very own mother, a warrior, a leader and a refuge and shelter. She is so strong. She has been living in a home that has had no roof- very poor shelter from the rains and heat. She lays on a daybed behind her house most days in the shade as people come to visit and be in her presence all day and night. As we have committed to Albertina and have been learning to build little mud huts in the dirt, my heart has been learning about being in Christ and living in heavenly mansions. 

 I was asking Father what it was about her that made me feel sooo captivated, that made me jealous for what she had and that made me see beauty face to face. 

If I am an ambassador of Heaven, if Jesus really has died and risen and brought me into His death and resurrection, if I am truly dead to myself and alive in Christ seated with him in heavenly places right now (Ephesians 1) then where I have come from and where I am going is Heaven, Heaven, Heaven. Nothing of me is of this world anymore, I am set free to live like I am in Heaven all the time. Even though my body withers away and is dying down here and I await my new heavenly body, spiritually I am living in the heavenly places of royalty not lacking anything because I am in Christ already. My earthly physical beauty is nothing, I am a dying body, I do not have or ever will have a lasting home here; I cannot own any place or person for myself, I have no inheritance for earth any longer, nothing to claim as my own, nothing that will last. In deep places of my heart I long to live on earth like Albertina. If this life is but a breathe, a fleeting moment in time in comparison to a lifetime in eternity, I want Jesus to viciously burn up everything that clings me to beauty, shelter and wealth of this world. I think this world is beautiful and God has fashioned it so beautifully to be a small replica of what we will experience in Heaven, money and beauty can be good things- everything has been made for him and by him to give him glory and to display the beauty and splendour of His majesty- but how I long to enjoy and live with these things like it all won't last, like a foreigner who knows there is even better and who waits with unclenched hands knowing the more is coming. I want to live like I'm living in a mud hut with no roof and holes in the walls, satisfied and so completely reliant on Him to be my only beauty, my only shelter, my everything, grateful because I know that this isn't my home, that I actually have a home in eternity that is more beautiful than anything that could be made or crafted in the world. There I will dwell with The Lord him in me and me in him so, so perfectly and transparently, vulnerably and intimately that nothing here could even come close to that completeness and satisfaction. 

If Christ is in me, the hope of glory and I in Him- I live as royalty right now, willing and so absolutely thrilled to be dirty, poor and needy because I know who I am. Vise versa, I can also live in wealth, beauty and what some parts of the world would consider "luxury" too because I live with unclenched hands, willing to give it all away for better in Glory. 

Meeting Albertina and building mud huts have been really challenging me with how much of eternity I am fixing my eyes on. I think that life changes drastically once we can continuously keep our eyes fixed on eternity. 

We are Holy, Holy, Holy through and in the One that is Holy and because we are Holy we live lives set apart. I don't just want to know this but being here has really been showing me that I want to live like I know it, ready and willing to give it all, live anywhere, love anyone, be and look like whatever because I know who I am and whose I am, I know where I came from and where I'm going. So whoever, wherever, whatever, whenever Lord because my life is not my own, old me has died and I now live hidden in Christ, incarnate in Him. I will be whoever for him, wherever for him, whatever for him and whenever for him because everything here for him is marking out and creating what eternity will look like with him. 

Jesus I pray you just give us bigger eyes to see eternity coming and how big it is in comparison with the right now. Help us live for eternity and be truly willing to give our live's away for love's sake because we know that You and our live's with You in eternity is worth it all. 

Low and Slow

One of the key sayings here in Pemba is "go low and slow." The past few weeks Father has been increasingly revealing to me what that means. 

I really struggled coming here, the first night here was very difficult for me. So much insecurity was being surfaced in me and already so much of the dirt in my heart; the places still orphaned and needing to be loved on and accepted again were being shown to me. 

I felt so vulnerable and naked before all these people I didn't know, in a place I have never been before, with all my open wounds gushing out of me.

The first night here in Africa we had a worship night under the stars and Jesus already had me on my face in the dirt speaking tenderly to my heart. (Hosea 2 "therefore I will allure her, I will lead her into the wilderness and there I will speak tenderly to her.)

My heart was just crying out for more and Jesus spoke back to me and he said "kayla everything comes out of how hungry you really are for more love." I realized that I had come to Africa very very okay with myself, very satisfied with the amount of love I had with Jesus, content with his presence in my life, with where I was and with where my life was going. The very first night there were so many things wrong with my heart. I had come to the end of myself. 

One of Heidi's messages this past week was "What does incarnational love look like?"

The past two weeks my heart has been re-learning how to be okay with feeling no good at all. 

A few days ago this past week, a few friends and I went and visited a small village right beside Iris. Walking through the villages as a white person has been very humbling. I am awful at learning new languages, I have found it very difficult to learn makua and Portuguese. With only knowing the basic, "hello?", "how are you?" And "what's your name?", I went with a few others to break bread and spend time with families in the village. As we visited one family, father humbled me so much. I could not sit there and minister to them with any fancy words, I couldn't tell very much about myself or ask in very much detail anything of my new friends to get to know them, it was just me and Holy Spirit. Father spoke to me so much about being HIS presence and in HIM the whole time "ministering" to them. 

How humbling it was to be completely stripped of everything I could really offer of myself and only rely fully on Holy Spirit to be my presence and speak to them what needed to be communicated. Oh how hungry my spirit has been getting. Hungrier and hungrier. Less and less confident, increasingly uncertain of myself and more and more unattracted to myself. I have really looked like a fool the past few weeks, meeting and trying to form relationships with new people with only three sentences, having nothing new to really offer to people here who are just so on fire and so full of life already, having no plan with no idea where my life is headed. On top of this, I spent three days earlier this week so ill I could barely move and the dirtiest I have felt ever. In all of this just feeling completely wrecked before Jesus as he showed me so much shame and guilt. 

I have been stripped of everything I thought was good about myself. I really am so poor and needy. Jesus has been showing me that poor and neediness are the two keys to revival. 

Jesus came to show us what love looks like. He emptied Himself out, completely dependent upon the Father admitting he could do nothing on his own but everything fully yielded and submitted to the Father's will. Laid downess and yieldedness like this has wrecked me. I can't help but just feel so much conviction with how dependent I become apart from His spirit in me. The Son came to put us in Himself so that we could have the same spirit that could be yielded and submitted to God crying out "Abba Father". How much could we revolutionize Christianity by wanting to seriously become nothing. Why do we try and prove to Father that we can do all things? Why do we strive like slaves working so hard in our loving Him? How much more fun could we have if we simply just learned how to be okay with being nothing before Father?  It's in our nothingness we can accept the fullness of grace. Father has been saying "Let go and be nothing, having nothing to offer and nothing to give me but your open hands." Hunger revolutionizes our loving. When we are empty enough we can receive to overflowing ALL of Father's love. It was only Father's love and not His own that possessed Him and made Him INCARNATIONAL love. One of Heidi's key saying is "I can't, He can, so together we will".

She tells us that that is why Pemba is full of faith and fruitfulness. We see little children accepting Jesus and walking in pure incarnational love, healing the sick, praying over emotional sickness and setting the captives free. They believe completely and fully that they have unity with Jesus. The little children have taught the leaders at Iris that childlikeness really does bring down the kingdom. They don't know how to do anything by themselves, they know how to have nothing and let Him be everything. They say that hunger is truly the source of all love. 

Yesterday we had the amazing opportunity to wash the feet of our Iris' mozambiqican pastors. The culture at Iris revolves around honour; to really believe in our oneness with Jesus in submission to the Father enough to go the lowest. Not only was I able to wash my Mozambican brother's feet but he washed mine, while 4 or 5 people gathered around me with the laying on of hands and they just prayed over me and lavished his love on me. I felt absolutely unworthy and undeserving. I saw Jesus' laid down love for me that morning and it was powerful. Jesus knew His position with the Father. He knew He was a Son, He knew He wore the crown and sits on the throne beside God the Father and it was in this knowing where He came from, He could come down and be the lowest of all and wash my feet. It was in this knowing who He was to Father and knowing where He came from that He was able to be emptied out and nothing, ready and willing to wash feet.

Jesus has invited us into that Sonship! 

While being here Father has been showing me that He is looking for laid down lovers who are willing to give it all because they know who they are and who's they are.

If we are still attracted to ourselves, believing in ourselves apart from Father, unwilling to be emptied out love will not come through and revival in our own hearts and in our churches will not happen. If desperation is not the position of our hearts, we will not see Jesus and we will not see the kingdom here, we will not see miracles and we will not see love.

I have just been getting filled up with wanting more. I don't want Him to pass me by, I want love to overshadow me. 

Pemba has definitely been full of powerful love and I see Father just handing me the keys to revival for my heart and for His church, so amazing! Keep praying friends! 

“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled."

Matthew 5:3, 6 

A few mornings a week I have got to be apart of the children's morning programs and feed houndreds of kids a meal, they are so funny and so bright and lovely. I have met some pretty amazing friends. 

Pemba!!

This is my first official Africa blog post! Yay! I can't believe it has been two and a half weeks since I ventured off on this crazy journey.

I cried the whole way through security as my amazing best friend saw me off. I was all of a sudden all alone, all by myself getting on 3 different planes for the next two days heading to a place I have never ever dreamed of myself going to for reasons I still did not know! Hah All I knew was that Father was asking me to go. This was the only word I was going on for the previous two months, Father saying " just come away", "trust me and just go"- with no answers about why. It is so hard for me to dive into newness without any vision, without any purpose or reason. I cried myself to sleep almost every night before going, people asked me " are you excited?!" "Africa, Africa!!" And I would smile but inside I was terrified. Haha I had no idea what Father was up to and the not knowing was terrifying- it always is isn't it?

I sang the same song for two days on my way here. I sang " you make me brave, you make me brave, you call me out upon the shore into the waves." I would wonder why I was so terrified, what devastation could possibly come upon me in this place that was terrifying me so much? Father would sing back to me as I watched out the window looking into the clouds " I take you up, you soar with me on eagles wings, your safe with me, your safe with me." 

Here was this little girl, boarding plane to plane, with no clue at all, relying fully on the word "just go."

I came to Iris base here in Pemba to 350 other "students" just like me from all over the world (350 of us chosen from 900- I am 1 out of 4 or 5 Canadians) who are coming alongside Iris Ministries this summer. We are ending week two here at Iris of my 10 weeks of being here. Time is flying already! Days go by so fast here as we have class Monday through Thursday from 8am until 1pm. During our classes we are taught by Heidi and Rolland Baker as well as many other amazing Pastors and missionaries who pour into us and love on us.  After classes we have the option of doing outreaches in the village communities around the base, helping on site staff with the many different ministries going on here or taking the afternoon to get more teaching from what we call "back porch sessions" from some of the long term missionaries. Fridays are our practical missions days and each of us will be put into teams that help out the same Iris base ministry every week. I have signed up for discipling in the children's program on base, house building in the villages around Iris and women's ministry where we will be setting up a place in the market to beautify some women from the village and build relationships.  Iris pours into so many lives and has so many different serving opportunities- they are mentoring and discipling pastors and worship leaders, they are discipling school age children in their village kids program, they have feeding programs everyday and feed every child that comes on base for a meal, they have a farm where they grow maringa and other specialties that produce the food given daily, they have hospitality ministry, business ministry working with momma's to help them start their own businesses, brothals ministries, medical care, prison ministry, and so many others. This Friday I will be told what ministry they are putting my little hands to work in. :) 

I have never met so many laid down lovers for Jesus in one place. It has been so fun getting to know so many friends who will be doing mighty things for the kingdom representing 41 nations in total! 

In the midst of so many opportunities to pour out and serve and do all of that, I have found that the first two weeks stretching on in into the rest of my time here, even in the midst of everything Father will have me do here, the main reasons I am here is to rest, to learn and to receive. I have already experienced so much shift in my heart, so much break through in a lot of places I was in bondage, Jesus has just been setting me free and just releasing new revelation, new vision and new love in my heart. I felt like a huge desert longing for water and I knew it was about that time that He wanted to refresh my dry and desperate lands, dig new wells and fill old stale ones to overflowing. Jesus is alive here in Pemba- every child adopted here at Iris has seen Jesus face to face and walks in Jesus, one with Jesus and alive in Jesus.  One of the first few nights I was brought to my knees by a little boy who prayed into me at a service and prophesied into the exact areas into my heart that needed a new touch by Jesus. Jesus has been ministering to me by the least likely here in Pemba- I have been being wrecked by His presence, His beauty and His longing for me the past few weeks and I am not afraid anymore. Father has told me that the main reason He has brought me here to Pemba is to kiss me then kill me. I feel like my spirit already knew that coming here and that's why I was terrified. At the beginning when I had not experienced a fresh taste of his heart in a long time, in such a dry and barren place, it was. As I have been here though, I have felt the touch of His kisses, a new and fresh real life experience of His beautiful face and the actual tangible love of His warm embrace and my spirit says "I will do anything for what I have tasted, YOU are the only thing I want,  kill everything of myself that's left, I want more of you and less of me, so take me, kiss me and kill me!"

So yes, Father has brought me here to Pemba to kill me, and I am just so darn excited!! 

It's beautiful here. Their winter is pretty darn hot. I have already had children rubbing off the dirty gross peeling skin from my previously sunburnt shoulders as they jump on me for piggy backs. I have had only water bottle showers in two weeks since we have had no running water, my pink toenail polish at the end of every day is always brown and my blonde hair is thrown up in a dirty bun morning day and night, I almost chipped my tooth a few mornings ago from a rock I found in my breadroll and the other day I actually cried at the thought of a hotdog with mustard. Lord Jesus have mercy for me, I have a lot of "killing" to go. ;) 

Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy the rest of this adventure with me! Bless you friends! 

Dirt Piles of Self Sufficiency

So far this has been rough. Very rough. You know that humbling moment when you think you have more faith than you actually do and God really shows you the conditions of your heart. Pride. So much pride. 

My life for an extended amount of time now has felt pretty comfortable, pretty stable and secure. Nothing shattering or threatening has come into the picture that would put my heart in a vulnerable place, severely desperate and of need for more trust in Father. How unfortunate now that I see this in comparison to before. Oh Jesus how awful I feel for wanting to stay in the comfortable. I have repented a lot the past few days for holding onto comfortable circumstances, for having those secret desires to live an average safe life. This is so much more exhilarating and thrilling, so much more risky and adventurous. I feel on top of the world as I take risks and leaps with Jesus. Don't get me wrong here at all, I have made a fool of myself in my mistrust and my shameful lacking of faith the past few weeks as I still wait for thousands of dollars to come in for my trip.  I have said and done some silly things in the past week out of that place of mistrust and probably have complained to more people than I can count on my fingers about the impossibility of my circumstances. It has been so so hard to keep my eyes fixed on His gaze. The best way to explain all of this in a nutshell is this: I'm really seeing the dirt. Even before being taken to Africa I am already playing in the dirt, seeing the many, many orphaned parts of my heart still not believing their adoption. I have been seeing all the ways I rely on myself- the ways I try and make things come together and what I try and conjure up for myself to earn favor. There are so many parts of myself that act as if I am fending for myself, as if I have no one -"I must do this on my own!!" 

It's so easy to learn so much about being a daughter, having a Father that always comes through, protects, defends and provides in the safe and sound life circumstances. I think it is the most beautiful thing when He takes us into the physical circumstances that will bear the fruit in our hearts everything He has been teaching us in our heads. Truly every dropping seed of head knowledge to the heart is a glorious act of grace. 

I just feel a huge tidal wave of His grace soak me right now as I get ready for Mozambique. He is opening my eyes dramatically to the self sufficiency of our culture- the self sufficiency that we all get caught up in here where everything comes easy and there is just SO MUCH. I had a dream last night that I was with these two particular friends and I was taking them on this tour of some glorious, glamorous house that was worth millions pretending it was mine. I was showing off the wealth and all of it's outward beauty. I remember being so proud in my dream that this was "mine"... hmm, I think my dream was significant and could have maybe been to show me the emphasis of my own poverty. 

Jesus' heart breaks for the self reliant and the independent. In our culture we have anything at the tap of a bottom or the point of a finger. We have all we need and more and since we are so used to things coming so easy, we take the glory in thinking that we have conjured up all that we have and all that takes place in our lives on our own. Heidi Baker in her book "Compelled by Love" says that after The Lord brought her to the poor in Mozambique her heart broke and split in two for the bride, but it wasn't the bride of Africa. It was the bride of the West. Oh how unfortunate we are here so in need of His grace. At least the orphans in Mozambique know they are orphans and at least the needy there know they are needy and their neediness actually makes them beautifully more needy. The most unfortunate thing is for one to not even know their neediness, their brokenness and their despair. 

To this bride, our modern day western bride- our greatest struggle, what stands between us and intimacy with the Father and our ability to become little children is our self sufficiency. Oh the dirt.

Father show us the beauty in the beggar, show us what you see in the poor. True beauty that lasts is found in the least. Give us a heart that wants to be least of all, to truly be ourselves in Love Himself as we learn to abide. Lay us down to our desires for more of this world. 

You see desperate need as THE most beautiful thing. Help our self sufficiency. Help our adult- like mindsets that need to know, understand rationally and logically, and that need to plan and control because "doing it alone is the only option". Help our unbelief. 

We want to be beggars. We want to be children. 

Desperate for the Dirt.

"Kayla, I want to take you to the dirt".

The past two months this has been the sentence that has been repetitive in my mind which has made it's way down to my heart in so many different ways already! 

I have never felt this way before. I have never been so desperate for sun scorched land, for the dry places, for the dirties places, like I am this season.With this Spring approaching, back in September I knew Spring 2014 would birth a new season and a shift of atmosphere, inwardly and outwardly. I sought out The Lord and inquired Him for months about what this meant and in January I started to feel the anxiousness, the "I'm sitting on the edge of my seat" feeling. In my heart many things have been changing, the eyes of my heart have begun to see things I never thought I would have the courage to see and my heart has begun to feel what I never imagined it would feel. Lately I feel like I have been seeing little children everywhere, dirty and needy, poor and hurting, broken and defenceless with no one to take care of them, desperate for acceptance and a place at the family table. Hearing invisible cries come out of mouths of people I don't even know on the subway, busses, street corners and in my own family. Now please don't misinterpret what I'm explaining. I am not mentally going crazy and seeing and hearing things. What I mean by this is simply that God has been giving me the eyes to see the orphan here like never before-the deeper realities of what Heaven sees in the hearts of his children all around me, despite physical appearances such as confidence, wealth, pride and independence. The dirty places, the places of need, longing and dryness in the hearts around me have completely shattered my heart and has left my heart craving for Father's love to invade all around me like I have never experienced before. 

Father's heart for His children is to seat us with royalty, to bring us to his table to celebrate, to clothe us in His robes and satisfy us with His riches, to embrace us and drench us with his kisses and to bring us into His heart chambers of acceptance where no more performance remains. 

Not only have my eyes and heart been awakened to this around me, but I have felt completely laid down in the way I see into my own heart too. I am a dirty mess of an orphan still becoming a daughter. I am not fully sanctified yet, meaning there are still so many dirty places of my own heart that I havnt let His blood go because of shame and fear of His unacceptance and dissapointement. I feel like the struggle for me has always been to ask for forgiveness and claim healing and restoration into places of my heart tht are still orphaned with my eyes closed, without wanting to actually see how bad the sin is, how dirty it was before He forgave them. I picture myself as a little child covering my eyes and pointing to places in my heart saying to Jesus " okay I know there's that specific gross stuff so I'm so sorry please just go there and get rid of it so you and I don't have to see it any longer!" One can only see the extraordinary power of His grace and the extravagance and beauty of his love when they know how dirty their rags are. I feel like I have walked so much of my life under His grace not actually accepting the dirt of my heart, wanting to just get rid of it as soon as possible so neither me or God have to look at it any longer, with the mentality " the faster I'm healed, the more acceptance I will gain from the Father".  Father has been showing me His eyes that see everything that's beautiful in the not yet, that sees royalty along the roadside and heaps of diamonds and precious stones in the ash heaps. His grace goes into the dirt WITH us and loves us there. He doesn't just long to pull us out and get us cleaned up as fast as possible. He loves to go into the dirt first, to look at our stuff straight on and say I love you IN it just as much as I will love you outside of it, I love you just as much dirty as you will be clean. My love sees your dirt piles as the most beautiful parts. His story is redemption and his name is Grace and the dirtiness that bring us shame and leaves us as orphans, He embraces and says "This is why I am Love, I love being Love for you because of these parts of you the most". He longs to play with His children in the dirt just as we are. His acceptance dances with us on the ash heaps and dirt piles of our hearts and changes them all into beauty. His eyes are increasingly becoming the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen and I want to see through them more and more!

Two years ago I started feeling a call on my heart from God for Africa. Since graduating from Bible College, by the power of His grace and Holy Spirit in me I started developing more of a heart for the orphan, for the outcast, for the unacceptable, abandoned, fatherless (spiritually and physically), and for the poor (spiritually and physically). After my best friend went to Africa to be with the poorest of the poor and to work alongside of a vision the same as mine, my heart became increasingly heavy and longing for that same experience and to put actual steps into the dreams of my heart. My heart became longing to experience the dirt, to love on the orphan, to work with the poor, to give my life for the outcast and deserted ones. 

This spring I get the opportunity to join Heidi and Rolland Baker in their ministry that takes in orphans, that sees the captive and sets them free through the blood of Jesus, that accepts in the outcasts and supplies food and a home to the poorest of the poor in Mozambique. I also get to go to the dearest place in my heart- South Sudan, which has more than 1 million orphans, 1 in 5 die before they are 5 years old and because of the vulnerability and youth of the nation, it has been left with villages raided, people and especially children taken from their families and homes and used for military by the LRA armies and or left to die on the streets if not already killed. Father is longing for children to be rescued and saved in this baby nation and He is finally fulfilling His promise to send me to be apart of what He is doing there and I know being there will just increase my heart for the orphan and clarify the vision He has for my life. I feel so so so filled with awe, joy and love as He has shown me his beautiful faithfulness!  

Not only do I feel Him calling me here for all these reasons, but I feel like a huge part of why I am going is to go deeper in knowing and seeing more of the orphaned places in my own heart that I have been so scared of seeing, to take me into deeper places of acceptance of myself as I see myself more with His Father eyes. The way we love the one in front of us radically changes as we learn how to come into acceptance of ourselves in the arms of Abba's embrace. The more we learn His grace for our own hearts, the more we will leave legacies of love and grace in the lives of the ones around us. 

I am starting to see more and more that God is calling us all to the orphan. Maybe for some of us that means letting Him take us to the physically orphaned who has never experienced acceptance and love, who needs a father and mother embrace, who needs to be fed and taken into safety and shelter. But maybe for others it simply just means learning to see the orphans in front of us, the ones who in our everyday just need to experience belonging and acceptance that can only be found in God's grace and loving Fatherly embrace. Also in that, learning how to dive into the orphaned parts of ourselves and accept and surrender to a Father's heart for us. It is a lot easier said than done, receiving his love, acceptance and forgiveness into the dirties parts of ourselves is the hardest thing we can do. 

I am so excited about my journey with Jesus to the dirt!!! 

I pray that you can be apart of this with me, both as I prepare for the reality of that this spring and summer but also as I venture into this within my heart, I pray that your heart can go there too in yours right alongside of mine. Going to the dirt is not easy but if we are asking more and more for Love's eyes to see, I believe He takes us there naturally but by the power of His Holy Spirit- supernaturally!:) 

I am excited to start blogging more about my heart preparation journey the next two months before I go and throughout my time in Africa! 

If you would like to know more about my journey to Pemba, Mozambique and my outreaches also to Uganda and South Sudan, email me or send me a Facebook message to receive one of my support letters!:)

Kaylaknappp@gmail.com

This is Iris Global's website- the ministry I will be coming alongside of!

www.irisglobal.org 

Isaiah 51:3

"For The Lord Zion He comforts all her waste places and makes her wilderness like Eden, her desert like the garden of The Lord ; joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the voice of song" 

Lover Jesus- "Love" day, all this lifetime and eternity long.

Song of Songs and Love day

So this week is Valentine's day and while some of us find it such a pathetic and silly holiday wasted upon overpriced chocolate and mushy lovey dovey enticements to be with the One, to have someone to love on while we are being wined and dined by the one who is meant to dode upon us forever, I rather love to celebrate it.  But not necessarily for all those reasons. I see it as a special intentional time to draw my heart back to my ONLY One, to renew my gaze and fixate my heart on the One who Loved me first. Going into this week I feel as though every day of this week the Lord wants to take me into a part of Song of Songs that reveals a new part of His fierce, wildly passionate and jealous love for me.
It thrills me to dive into my understanding of Jesus as Lover and first love around this time of year. I completely believe in celebrating Love and I think it is beautiful that we intentionally devote a special day of the year to emphasizing loving others and specifically a certain special someone. I believe that this day that we set apart should be the first day to renew the whole year in love. 
Jesus has been teaching me so much about intentionality and devoting time to Him, to specifically learning His love. 
I wanted to do something a little different this year that I would be delighted to invite you in on.  Song of Songs is my favourite book of the bible, I have done study upon study on it over the past 4 years and it was the first book ever that really captured my heart that revealed the real person of Jesus to me and His heart for me as my First Love. I believe Song of Songs gives a beautiful story of a man who's heart and gaze is fixed upon ONE woman, who expresses and extends His passionate desires for her and who passionately pursues her, written beautifully poetically that is not just written literally but is meant to embody so much more. I see this man longing for His Beloved as a prophetic embodiment and representation of the real person of Jesus longing for His Bride to be- the Church. This story is where my young 19 year old self  found the depth of Jesus' love for me 6 years ago.  I pray that as I go through it once again that new revelations and truths will sink even deeper and that after the end of this week we will know and understand deeper intimacy with this Lover Jesus and to know just a little bit more- especially intentionally during this "love" week who's we are and who we are, found in the fury gaze of Love Himself incarnate in a man.

 A Mare among stallions; a Lilly among thorns. 

The start of this week my heart was so dry and feeling very tired, I have had a hard few weeks emotionally and physically and every other person's affirming words and affections just didnt feel enough. I went into this week angry and frustrated with others for leaving me dry when really, the rivers of Living Water and the Well that is always overflowing knew what I needed to find Him. His Grace upon me came as my emptiness and longing in dry land.
"How do you see me?! I need to be reaffirmed by your love Jesus!"
Chapter one 
The first word the Lover speaks to His Beloved is
"I liken you my darling, to a mare among the chariot horses- beautifully shone on and glowing among others, your all I see- my eyes are only for you, my one and only"
when I heard His first words, reading it as though this Lover was speaking right to me, Jesus' voice in these words penetrated my heart and the thirst I felt and the quench I was desperate for was immediately quenched. Today, I needed to hear that I am the Only One He sees, I am not compared to, less beautiful than, or worth less because of..
The second word He speaks goes beautifully with the first,
"Oh how beautiful, Your eyes are like doves."
Today I researched dove's eyes, and I was absolutely wrecked. I laughed, I probably blushed and felt my whole heart warm up with delight. This is what I found.
"A dove's eyes only sees through one lense at a time- they can only see one thing at a time and that is usually their mate, in their undivided gaze, their attention is captured and will be captured as long as whatever or whomever it is is in front of them.  This is why we call them "love birds".

whaaaaaat?!
Jesus' eyes have become astoundingly beautiful to me! "You only see me!? Your gaze can fixate to no other, I am Your Only One, you captivates all your attention. You don't just notice me, Im ALL you see. I'm not seen in comparison to anyone else or anything else.
What one Dove does the other does, when one takes flight, so does the other, they mirror each other all the time because they only have eyes for each other, they can only see the other.
"I see only you, you are my everything, I see you individually!"In Song of Songs 5:12, It says that the Lover has Dove eyes for His beloved and that is what in turn here in Chapter 1:15 makes her eyes like that of the dove swell. His first gaze has captured hers.

Later in Song of Songs 6:9 it says, 
"My dove, my undefined is but ONE, my beloved is the only one of her mother, she is the choicest one"
Jesus through this man is saying "I see you as you are my only daughter- you are the only one I dode upon and long for with these eyes. You are my Lilly among thorns. I watch you, stare at you all the time, where you go I want to go, what you do I want t do. I take flight with you- I do everything with you. Your my beloved and my purpose and very essence and being is for you- I never want to do anything outside of what you do or who you are."

You are the cheifest among ten thousand Jesus!
This truth radically changes my heart as a feminine heart who struggles within this world full of comparison, inward desire to be noticed, craving in my flesh to have the fixed and constant attention and approval of some one, anyone. Jesus, our One sees us through eyes we have never yet known, eyes that see only one at a time, who sees and not just takes notice when we walk into a room, but whose gaze has been strictly upon us since the very moment we were fashioned in the heart of the Father before time.
Jesus came for the whole world, to create a family of sons and daughters grafted into His Sonship and in equality through the eyes of the Father, of course, yes!
But the narrow gate into Heaven sees each one of us. Our atonement happens as a life for a life. His life for one, and then one and then one; one at a time. You are seen as an individual within the body, ONE within the bigger family. We each come to Jesus one at a time, rare and unique to him and because we know this we can be assured that we are Jesus' favourite, His dove whom He sees with dove's eyes.

Banquets and Banners

Today a huge truth that melted my heart from chapter two came from verse 4, "You call me to the banqueting table and your banner over me is love".

Wowwww, a banner announces the purpose for the banquet. When I see this picture, I try to comprehend the vast array of chambers in the heart of God, every one of them specific and particularly there to house and royally entertain us with His love. Putting it simply and for lack of better analogy I just see a giant house with more rooms than there are to count and each room is a banquet, a party room where the King is hosting us and royally entertaining us with the finest of everything in Love, giving us all permission to partake in Him. Every single banquet is created and hosted individually for the one. We are the purpose for His celebration, there is no other purpose. As the banner declares "Love" He is announcing that the only reason He is celebrating over us is because He loves us, nothing added or taken away. 

"You are chosen into royalty, I love you because I love you and this celebration is over no other accomplishment or life success other than that."

The king calls forth a banquet for EACH of us, just Him and us to celebrate us for just being us in the arms of Love. 

To know I don't have to wait a whole year to be celebrated over and that I don't have to reach any life accomplishment to have someone ( not just someone but the King of ALL Kings) host a party for me is the most ridiculously incredible feeling. I am worth celebrating over all the time, the celebrations in Heaven never stop over me. I am seen, I am recognized and I am celebrated over because I bring pride and Joy to someone for just being myself.  I also have a permanent residency in that individual chamber of God's heart that has been prepared since He birthed the thought of me so long ago, It was His greatest pleasure to create me and at the same time think " I can't wait to celebrate over her the rest of time". I can enter into that banquet of celebration any time I want, it is my inheritance but it is also available to me now.