Friday, 23 August 2013
Desperate thirst and Deep wells.
Its so funny how on our journeys with God through what he says and teaches us, sometimes there is a huge slow build to the key things he is trying to teach us. For me, the theme of water has been huge the past 7 months ever since I got to experience the ocean for the first time in February! Every once and a while He will nudge a little something about water, something really deep and profound that I know couldn't have come from myself, it has only been here and there though but consistent enough that I know it has been a theme in what He is trying to teach me, using waters as the analogy. Every time he has given me one of those little nudges, the underlying message has been "water is so important". So simple and at surface level sounds very silly because of course water is important, so what?"
7 months later he has finally been putting together all the little nudges that I have wrote down or hidden in my memory and in my heart.
A few months ago, for almost a month straight I was reading the story of the woman at the well, but was not putting it together with the little consistent nudges he had been giving me about the importance of water.
Also about almost two months ago, I had a dream that Joshua and I were in a huge desert with red dirt with shovels Getting ready to dig.
Yesterday when I was waking up to start my day, Jesus formed a picture in my head that was so clear and so real. Him and I were in a really dark hole and I knew it was so deep and we were both standing in shallow water only up to our ankles.
Today as I got another picture in my head, it was almost like the whole past 7 months and everything that He has been saying finally made sense. In this picture there was a huge land and the dirt was red but I could only see a little bit of the dirt because the whole land was literally covered in holes, really big, deep holes almost overflowing with water, they didn't all the way overflow because I think Jesus was trying to show me the importance of the dirt and the land too, but he was trying to show me that the holes were overflowing with water.
Jesus told me that this land filled with wells and overflowing with water was His heart.
And he reminded me of the picture he gave me yesterday and he told me that that was one of the wells in my own heart, He was in it with me and it was empty and he was showing me how thirsty I am.
I am entering a season with Jesus where he really wants me to identify my thirst, my desperation and longing to be quenched. It's so easy to forget, and fall into self sufficiency, and in that place we take so much from our own wells in our own self efforts and we do not drink from His. He must take us into these seasons constantly to be reminded of our deep thirst and the only source of water that will never run out.
I have read the story about the woman at the well once again tody and everything has really come together in my heart. I invite you into what Jesus has been saying to me, hopefully it will bring you into this place inside your well along with me where we can come to Jesus together for a new and fresh drink from the abundance of His overflowing wells.
"So he came to a town in Samaria called Sychar, near the plot of ground Jacob had given to his son Joseph. Jacob's well was there, and Jesus, tired as he was from the journey, sat down by the well. It was about noon. When a Samaritan woman came to draw water, Jesus said to her, "Will you give me a drink?" (His disciples had gone into the town to buy food.) The Samaritan woman said to him, "You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?" (For Jews do not associate with Samaritans.) Jesus answered her, "If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water." "Sir," the woman said, "you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water? Are you greater than our father Jacob, who gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did also his sons and his livestock?" but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life." The woman said to him, "Sir, give me this water so that I won't get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water." John 4:5-12, 14, 15
In Jesus there Is so much water! Living water, and this water is the wellspring of His grace! There are so many wells in His heart! Deep deep wells that overflow with rivers of grace. They never stop. I am the woman at the well, I must see Jesus' thirst for my thirst. I must position my heart to be in a place of thirst and desperation for water, His living water. He takes us to our wells and we must see our own emptiness. I think its so interesting that Jesus asks her for a drink first. To my heart in light of what He is teaching me, I wonder could it be because he wants her overflow of His water? He wants her to give him a drink from the overflow of Her well? He asks the question only for her to be able to discover how empty her own well is and how thirsty she really is. He will ask us for a drink in our times of desperate thirst ( sometimes without our own awareness or recognition) so that He may position us to see our need for His life giving water; our need to be drenched and submersed in His grace. We must always be at His wells, drinking and drinking. He wants His wells to overflow into ours.
I have been really struggling with lack of grace and compassion in my heart, and to be honest, not doing very good at loving, loving for me has seemed so draining as of late and the enemy has so sneakily turned my eyes off of Jesus' wells and without even realizing it I have been taking and taking from my own well and trying to love like Jesus with a full heart of grace without actually resting and taking it from His heart first; receiving it for myself first.
I am so tired and so so thirsty. I am so ready to drink from the springs of His wells again, I am so ready to start receiving first.
I have already felt the wells inside my heart filling up slowly as I have been taking in new fresh cups of his grace water and letting Him love me again. It really does feel like a fresh cup of water in the midst of a huge drought. I invite you into this with me, there are enough wells and there is more than enough living water . :)
Friday, 28 June 2013
Husband-to-be.
I wrote this a few summers ago. Learning how to let masculinity lead me, laying down fear and control and letting myself be loved and cared for by masculine protection has and still is the biggest road block and wall for me in my life. It has affected lots of relationships in my life and is currently hurting the man who is trying so hard with so much supernatural perseverance and strength to pursue my heart whom I love so much. This is the sin I fight, this is also the sin that Jesus has paid for and has and is redeeming. This is my season of Jubilee as I see my Savior do these deeper things to my heart like He has never done before. It feels like He teaches us the same things as we wrestle with the same sins, but He is taking us that much more into Himself every time and abounding in grace so much more than the last time.
Right now, I am honoring dearly the man in my life who is loving me through all of this and I am also fiercely surrendering up praise to my Savior, who is, was and will be until He someday comes for me; my Husband to be.
I am so excited and honored to be coming together with a group of women this summer to allow God to open ourselves up more to Love and relationships, so encouraged to be doing this alongside other women and it is such an honor to share this with you so that the feminine hearts in particular reading this can relate and be encouraged.
"Throughout this summer, as I have been in more than a few weddings, for almost all of my best friends, God has spoken to me.
Standing up at the front of a congregation as a woman in the midst of a row of beautiful women with beautiful bouquets in their hands, God whispered to me his vows over and over again, at each ceremony.
As I watched each bride walk down their isle, coming to be grasped in their beauty by their husband to be, my husband to be would begin each time to whisper to me saying “This image is you my bride. You are beautiful my sister, my bride, come away with me, invite me into you, not just as your master, your creator, but as your lover and your husband- to- be".
My husband-to-be has been teaching me to let Him rescue me. I need to live more allowing masculinity to come through for me. I cannot come through for myself, I am not strong, I am so needy, needy for a deeper love.
So many woman put up defenses from past hurts of rejection that create controlling spirits. A woman that invites in control says to herself and others “ I do not need anyone, I do not need you”. This kind of woman has for so long thought that she is strong, that she is confident. This woman was me.
Truth: A woman cannot be fought for until she allows herself to be fought for. In so much thinking she has control she is actually being that much more controlled by the spirit of control built up in her by walls of defenses masking all the hurts in her life that have not yet been resolved. How can she let real love in? God desires to break down all the walls of our hearts that we put up to try and guard ourselves; he wants us to be completely vulnerable and desperate for a Savior. I want to be so poor and needy for a rescuer. And of course, once one can be desperate for a Savior rescuer, one can allow others to come into their life and rescue them just the same. Why is it so hard for some of us to let people rescue us? We are not strong. I have learnt this summer that the strongest show they are weak and they need people, just as they need a Savior Husband.
When we think of Lover God, do we think of him as a hero? As a bold warrior that is always victorious? Always quick to rescue and lead us? He is the very perfection of what masculinity should be. Other masculinities will fail us, and let us down and hurt us of course, but it is His ultimate source of masculinity, that when invited in and known, allows us to give grace to the rest of masculinity in this world and in that teaches us how to be led and fought for.
Song of Songs 2: 8-10.
“Ah, I hear my lover coming!
He is leaping over the mountains,
bounding over the hills.
My lover is like a swift gazelle
or a young stag.
Look, there he is behind the wall,
looking through the window,
peering into the room.
My lover said to me,
“Rise up, my darling!
Come away with me, my fair one!
To me this says that my first love that comes to rescue me is so big and strong that he bounds over hills and valleys just to come to me. How masculine does this sounds and what strength and power comes with this!
Or how about Isaiah 42:13-16
The Lord will march forth like a mighty man;
he will come out like a warrior, full of fury.
He will shout his battle cry
and crush all his enemies.
He will say, “I have long been silent;
yes, I have restrained myself.
But now, like a woman in labor,
I will cry and groan and pant.
I will level the mountains and hills
and blight all their greenery.
I will turn the rivers into dry land
and will dry up all the pools.
I will lead blind Israel down a new path,
guiding them along an unfamiliar way.
I will brighten the darkness before them
and smooth out the road ahead of them.
Yes, I will indeed do these things”
So in regards to all these things, I would love to thank my beautiful friends who have embarked on this courageous and daring journey of vulnerability, allowing masculinity to lead you. This to me has been such a precious gift because it has taught me how to let a husband lead me also. We are all invited to partake in the vows and receive this love journey from the Lord.
Oneness in marriage with the Lord is giving yourself fully and completely to that person, giving all of yourself with submission trusting that person with your life, that he will come through for you and that you cannot do anything yourself. What courage it takes to let someone love you like this.
Reliving each of one of those stunning brides walk down their isle in my thoughts has given me an even greater depth of understanding to my identity as a bride of Christ. That banner has much depth, and I am so excited to continue learning about my upcoming marriage with my Husband-to-be, both in this lifetime and and in eternity :)
Right now, I am honoring dearly the man in my life who is loving me through all of this and I am also fiercely surrendering up praise to my Savior, who is, was and will be until He someday comes for me; my Husband to be.
I am so excited and honored to be coming together with a group of women this summer to allow God to open ourselves up more to Love and relationships, so encouraged to be doing this alongside other women and it is such an honor to share this with you so that the feminine hearts in particular reading this can relate and be encouraged.
"Throughout this summer, as I have been in more than a few weddings, for almost all of my best friends, God has spoken to me.
Standing up at the front of a congregation as a woman in the midst of a row of beautiful women with beautiful bouquets in their hands, God whispered to me his vows over and over again, at each ceremony.
As I watched each bride walk down their isle, coming to be grasped in their beauty by their husband to be, my husband to be would begin each time to whisper to me saying “This image is you my bride. You are beautiful my sister, my bride, come away with me, invite me into you, not just as your master, your creator, but as your lover and your husband- to- be".
My husband-to-be has been teaching me to let Him rescue me. I need to live more allowing masculinity to come through for me. I cannot come through for myself, I am not strong, I am so needy, needy for a deeper love.
So many woman put up defenses from past hurts of rejection that create controlling spirits. A woman that invites in control says to herself and others “ I do not need anyone, I do not need you”. This kind of woman has for so long thought that she is strong, that she is confident. This woman was me.
Truth: A woman cannot be fought for until she allows herself to be fought for. In so much thinking she has control she is actually being that much more controlled by the spirit of control built up in her by walls of defenses masking all the hurts in her life that have not yet been resolved. How can she let real love in? God desires to break down all the walls of our hearts that we put up to try and guard ourselves; he wants us to be completely vulnerable and desperate for a Savior. I want to be so poor and needy for a rescuer. And of course, once one can be desperate for a Savior rescuer, one can allow others to come into their life and rescue them just the same. Why is it so hard for some of us to let people rescue us? We are not strong. I have learnt this summer that the strongest show they are weak and they need people, just as they need a Savior Husband.
When we think of Lover God, do we think of him as a hero? As a bold warrior that is always victorious? Always quick to rescue and lead us? He is the very perfection of what masculinity should be. Other masculinities will fail us, and let us down and hurt us of course, but it is His ultimate source of masculinity, that when invited in and known, allows us to give grace to the rest of masculinity in this world and in that teaches us how to be led and fought for.
Song of Songs 2: 8-10.
“Ah, I hear my lover coming!
He is leaping over the mountains,
bounding over the hills.
My lover is like a swift gazelle
or a young stag.
Look, there he is behind the wall,
looking through the window,
peering into the room.
My lover said to me,
“Rise up, my darling!
Come away with me, my fair one!
To me this says that my first love that comes to rescue me is so big and strong that he bounds over hills and valleys just to come to me. How masculine does this sounds and what strength and power comes with this!
Or how about Isaiah 42:13-16
The Lord will march forth like a mighty man;
he will come out like a warrior, full of fury.
He will shout his battle cry
and crush all his enemies.
He will say, “I have long been silent;
yes, I have restrained myself.
But now, like a woman in labor,
I will cry and groan and pant.
I will level the mountains and hills
and blight all their greenery.
I will turn the rivers into dry land
and will dry up all the pools.
I will lead blind Israel down a new path,
guiding them along an unfamiliar way.
I will brighten the darkness before them
and smooth out the road ahead of them.
Yes, I will indeed do these things”
So in regards to all these things, I would love to thank my beautiful friends who have embarked on this courageous and daring journey of vulnerability, allowing masculinity to lead you. This to me has been such a precious gift because it has taught me how to let a husband lead me also. We are all invited to partake in the vows and receive this love journey from the Lord.
Oneness in marriage with the Lord is giving yourself fully and completely to that person, giving all of yourself with submission trusting that person with your life, that he will come through for you and that you cannot do anything yourself. What courage it takes to let someone love you like this.
Reliving each of one of those stunning brides walk down their isle in my thoughts has given me an even greater depth of understanding to my identity as a bride of Christ. That banner has much depth, and I am so excited to continue learning about my upcoming marriage with my Husband-to-be, both in this lifetime and and in eternity :)
Wednesday, 1 May 2013
Groanings of a heart of stone becoming a heart of flesh
My prayers can also become yours.
The groanings, pleas and heart aches of mine are yours;
For your hearts as they learn the same things. We're all in this together.
Vulnerability:
There was a price to be one with me.
He has become sin to know me like He does
He has opened up Himself in every way with stunning vulnerability
The perfect Father, sent His Son so that He could be IN us.
Giving up all heavenly glory, to be laid low, just to be intimate with us; to be IN us and us IN Him. Ephesians 1:13, 14, Ephesians 2:4-7
He could have kept Himself from the evil of this world and the darkness so that He could remain pure, spotless and Holy unspotted by the taintedness of our world but He came still perfectly pure, spotless and holy into our time, our worldly sphere just to be ONE with us
He has let me ( ugly, bruised, defiled sinful woman) to become One with HIM who is perfect in every way with perfect love
He risked me saying no. He laid His glory aside to open up to a sinner, so that I could gain everything of His.
What is this vulnerability that astounds me? He chose to be everything He hated to let us become apart of Him. He set us free through this kind of vulnerability, He is exalted at the right hand of God the Father with nothing lost and everything gained because of this kind of vulnerability.
How does this leave me?
So hopeful in unveiling my heart.
So hopeful that because of Him and His vulnerability to me (through it being made one in Him), I can do this too.
who am I that thinks I am too pure and holy to let tainted and marred loves love me?
Have I done something so special that deserves to be loved perfectly by people who will never achieve perfection in this lifetime?
Oh wow the entitlement I have falsely claimed.
My heart has so been hardened to flawed love that tries to love and lead me because I have expected them to love me like Jesus; perfectly, pure and holy.
No Jesus. No more walls. No more heart of stone. My heart is blossoming, it is opening, as you teach me.
Jesus, you are my only hope to be loved perfectly. You are my only hope to true love and perfect intimacy. I expect it all from you as I release the grip of expectation I have had on others.
It's all only about me and You, You and me on this love journey; leading me into greater and greater intimacy.
How can I not open up and let love in when you tell me how you have loved me?
The only thing that matters, that ever will, is the extent to how much YOU love me, not how others will hurt or disappoint me.
I could keep closed, bound by fear and be safe the rest of my life, no danger near me, no hurt or pain.
But all you say is "I LOVE YOU" and my heart WANTS to open up, it knows it's so secure in love, it knows it has and will not ever be disappointed and rejected, hurt or abandoned again because I have found perfect love and He has already come for me. He has committed to me and will soon marry me. He HAS committed.
My hope is in no other.
intimacy; vulnerability has made a way for us.
" A woman who is unveiling her beauty is inviting others to life. She risks being vulnerable, exposing her true heart and inviting others to share theirs. She is not demanding but is hopeful." - Stasi Eldridge- captivating
"Look at me, I'm a new femininity, blossoming.
Going deeper into love, at rest in new trust and security.
A new heart open to change, hurt or tragedy, because I am free in Love and everything He makes me.
Love, it loves all the way through, we just want You, we just want You."
-Kayla knapp
The groanings, pleas and heart aches of mine are yours;
For your hearts as they learn the same things. We're all in this together.
Vulnerability:
There was a price to be one with me.
He has become sin to know me like He does
He has opened up Himself in every way with stunning vulnerability
The perfect Father, sent His Son so that He could be IN us.
Giving up all heavenly glory, to be laid low, just to be intimate with us; to be IN us and us IN Him. Ephesians 1:13, 14, Ephesians 2:4-7
He could have kept Himself from the evil of this world and the darkness so that He could remain pure, spotless and Holy unspotted by the taintedness of our world but He came still perfectly pure, spotless and holy into our time, our worldly sphere just to be ONE with us
He has let me ( ugly, bruised, defiled sinful woman) to become One with HIM who is perfect in every way with perfect love
He risked me saying no. He laid His glory aside to open up to a sinner, so that I could gain everything of His.
What is this vulnerability that astounds me? He chose to be everything He hated to let us become apart of Him. He set us free through this kind of vulnerability, He is exalted at the right hand of God the Father with nothing lost and everything gained because of this kind of vulnerability.
How does this leave me?
So hopeful in unveiling my heart.
So hopeful that because of Him and His vulnerability to me (through it being made one in Him), I can do this too.
who am I that thinks I am too pure and holy to let tainted and marred loves love me?
Have I done something so special that deserves to be loved perfectly by people who will never achieve perfection in this lifetime?
Oh wow the entitlement I have falsely claimed.
My heart has so been hardened to flawed love that tries to love and lead me because I have expected them to love me like Jesus; perfectly, pure and holy.
No Jesus. No more walls. No more heart of stone. My heart is blossoming, it is opening, as you teach me.
Jesus, you are my only hope to be loved perfectly. You are my only hope to true love and perfect intimacy. I expect it all from you as I release the grip of expectation I have had on others.
It's all only about me and You, You and me on this love journey; leading me into greater and greater intimacy.
How can I not open up and let love in when you tell me how you have loved me?
The only thing that matters, that ever will, is the extent to how much YOU love me, not how others will hurt or disappoint me.
I could keep closed, bound by fear and be safe the rest of my life, no danger near me, no hurt or pain.
But all you say is "I LOVE YOU" and my heart WANTS to open up, it knows it's so secure in love, it knows it has and will not ever be disappointed and rejected, hurt or abandoned again because I have found perfect love and He has already come for me. He has committed to me and will soon marry me. He HAS committed.
My hope is in no other.
intimacy; vulnerability has made a way for us.
" A woman who is unveiling her beauty is inviting others to life. She risks being vulnerable, exposing her true heart and inviting others to share theirs. She is not demanding but is hopeful." - Stasi Eldridge- captivating
"Look at me, I'm a new femininity, blossoming.
Going deeper into love, at rest in new trust and security.
A new heart open to change, hurt or tragedy, because I am free in Love and everything He makes me.
Love, it loves all the way through, we just want You, we just want You."
-Kayla knapp
Monday, 22 April 2013
Real love. Vulnerable Love.
I wrote this in the Spring of 2011 and God has been taking me deeper and deeper into this heart revelation ever since. Love really has been invading and bursting in and He never stops. He wants to see our hearts mushy, vulnerable and open. He is teaching us to become more and more like little children!
Remembering this season of my life and praising Him for how much deeper He has gone with this and craving to encourage you with this story and what He has been teaching me about love and what He does with the walls in our hearts.
"This real life story happened in the Spring that I shared with some friends a while back, but now reflecting on the healing being done in my heart, it comes up once again tonight. One day in Spring when I was working in an elementary school, I was in the kindergarden room helping out for a bit and we were all sitting at circle time. This little girl named Alora came, plopped right down on my lap, iv never talked to her before in my life and she just looked at me with her huge blue eyes and bright red hair and she said " hi excuse me could you just play with my hair"? I was so taken back , I was so blown away by the Holy Spirit because I knew at that moment the Lord was speaking through her to me. This little girl, had never seen me before in her life, yet opened up herself to me in the most stunning vulnerability I have ever seen and asked me to play with her hair, which in a girls world, is a very intimate thing to do, it shows affection and love, and all she wanted was to feel loved. After that happened her teacher who saw what happened during circle time came up to me and said "her names alora... that girl that sat on your lap. She needs your love, she doesn't receive any of it at home, she doesn't have a daddy and she tells me everyday her mom hates her, she cries when she has to go home, and CAS is always here picking her up from school". I stood there and tears just filled my eyes, I don't have to go to Calcutta India to see desperate need. I was so amazed at this little girl that just craved affection, she needed peoples love, she didn't know what it was at home, her conditions of life made her sooo stunningly beautiful. Her vulnerability was so beautiful to me. I needed to be reminded from the Lord that this is the kind of woman I must be, a woman that knows how to receive love, who knows how to open herself up so intimately with her Creator instead of building up walls of defenses. This little girl didn't know how to build up defenses, instead she gave her whole self in what could have been a scary situation. She jumped into a risk of rejection with stunning vulnerability. As I am learning how to do this with my heavenly Dad, I know that this intimacy I will have with him will make me completely new. Only Dad will be the one to play with my hair and affirm me of my beauty and worth, he wants to do this for me, he wants me to jump into his arms knowing that I am his little girl and I am more than enough for his love.
Why is it so easy for us to throw up defenses when love tries to come through and rescue us? We are so afraid of being hurt that suddenly it becomes a matter of me, myself and I. Well, to be honest, I am so sick of the defenses I have thrown up in my life that have pushed others away. My Heavenly Dad is re-fathering me, teaching me what it is like to be a little girl once again. Boy, has becoming a child in spirit again ever been teaching me about the perfected love of my Savior. For so many years I have thought I knew what love was, and even 6 months ago I thought I knew. As Dad has been helping me see myself as a little vulnerable child, I have been learning how to receive love boldly and give love boldly. Love does not give up because of how much it is hurting, it is not selfish, it is vulnerable and naked, giving all of itself when all of itself could also be taken and bruised. Little children are too young to put up defenses because their trust is so deep and so brave. When they are hurt by someone, they are so quick to forgive and always come back to love and receive love again. There need for love trumps their fear of rejection. Children hold the definition of bravery and courage. Our Father said to me the other day “Kayla, all love will be tainted and marred, do not expect a perfect love, but strive to give out a perfect love. It does not matter what your receiving from others because My perfect love is enough, it matters how you are responding to what your receiving. Love is bravery, love is courage, because it must conquer the pain and fear of hurt. Love then becomes the most powerful thing in the world because if love was simply about what we receive, it would be easy to love, love would be simple. It is the most powerful thing because it is hard to do, it must need to conquer over all impartial things”.
Father, make my heart the soft heart like a little child once again.
Mark 10:13-16 “He said to them, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children. I tell you the truth, anyone who doesn’t receive the Kingdom of God like a child will never enter it. Then he took the children in his arms and placed his hands on their heads and blessed them.”
Remembering this season of my life and praising Him for how much deeper He has gone with this and craving to encourage you with this story and what He has been teaching me about love and what He does with the walls in our hearts.
"This real life story happened in the Spring that I shared with some friends a while back, but now reflecting on the healing being done in my heart, it comes up once again tonight. One day in Spring when I was working in an elementary school, I was in the kindergarden room helping out for a bit and we were all sitting at circle time. This little girl named Alora came, plopped right down on my lap, iv never talked to her before in my life and she just looked at me with her huge blue eyes and bright red hair and she said " hi excuse me could you just play with my hair"? I was so taken back , I was so blown away by the Holy Spirit because I knew at that moment the Lord was speaking through her to me. This little girl, had never seen me before in her life, yet opened up herself to me in the most stunning vulnerability I have ever seen and asked me to play with her hair, which in a girls world, is a very intimate thing to do, it shows affection and love, and all she wanted was to feel loved. After that happened her teacher who saw what happened during circle time came up to me and said "her names alora... that girl that sat on your lap. She needs your love, she doesn't receive any of it at home, she doesn't have a daddy and she tells me everyday her mom hates her, she cries when she has to go home, and CAS is always here picking her up from school". I stood there and tears just filled my eyes, I don't have to go to Calcutta India to see desperate need. I was so amazed at this little girl that just craved affection, she needed peoples love, she didn't know what it was at home, her conditions of life made her sooo stunningly beautiful. Her vulnerability was so beautiful to me. I needed to be reminded from the Lord that this is the kind of woman I must be, a woman that knows how to receive love, who knows how to open herself up so intimately with her Creator instead of building up walls of defenses. This little girl didn't know how to build up defenses, instead she gave her whole self in what could have been a scary situation. She jumped into a risk of rejection with stunning vulnerability. As I am learning how to do this with my heavenly Dad, I know that this intimacy I will have with him will make me completely new. Only Dad will be the one to play with my hair and affirm me of my beauty and worth, he wants to do this for me, he wants me to jump into his arms knowing that I am his little girl and I am more than enough for his love.
Why is it so easy for us to throw up defenses when love tries to come through and rescue us? We are so afraid of being hurt that suddenly it becomes a matter of me, myself and I. Well, to be honest, I am so sick of the defenses I have thrown up in my life that have pushed others away. My Heavenly Dad is re-fathering me, teaching me what it is like to be a little girl once again. Boy, has becoming a child in spirit again ever been teaching me about the perfected love of my Savior. For so many years I have thought I knew what love was, and even 6 months ago I thought I knew. As Dad has been helping me see myself as a little vulnerable child, I have been learning how to receive love boldly and give love boldly. Love does not give up because of how much it is hurting, it is not selfish, it is vulnerable and naked, giving all of itself when all of itself could also be taken and bruised. Little children are too young to put up defenses because their trust is so deep and so brave. When they are hurt by someone, they are so quick to forgive and always come back to love and receive love again. There need for love trumps their fear of rejection. Children hold the definition of bravery and courage. Our Father said to me the other day “Kayla, all love will be tainted and marred, do not expect a perfect love, but strive to give out a perfect love. It does not matter what your receiving from others because My perfect love is enough, it matters how you are responding to what your receiving. Love is bravery, love is courage, because it must conquer the pain and fear of hurt. Love then becomes the most powerful thing in the world because if love was simply about what we receive, it would be easy to love, love would be simple. It is the most powerful thing because it is hard to do, it must need to conquer over all impartial things”.
Father, make my heart the soft heart like a little child once again.
Mark 10:13-16 “He said to them, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children. I tell you the truth, anyone who doesn’t receive the Kingdom of God like a child will never enter it. Then he took the children in his arms and placed his hands on their heads and blessed them.”
Tuesday, 26 March 2013
Beauty is ours in Christ
"Though the mountains be shaken
and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
nor my covenant of peace be removed,"
says the Lord, who has compassion on you. "Afflicted city, lashed by storms and not comforted,
I will rebuild you with stones of turquoise,
your foundations with lapis lazuli. I will make your battlements of rubies,
your gates of sparkling jewels,
and all your walls of precious stones. All your children will be taught by the Lord,
and great will be their peace. In righteousness you will be established:
Tyranny will be far from you;
you will have nothing to fear.
Terror will be far removed;
it will not come near you." Isaiah 54:10- 14
Three years ago is when I was told who I was, when Love called me out of barrenness and into identity and purpose. And it was through this passage, the Lord speaking this over His people; Zion. He called me out of my widow-hood in spirit, he called me by name and He really told my heart it was redeemed and beautiful.
I guess He has taken me back there in my memories lately which is pretty significant since it was this time exactly three years ago.
He is our Redeemer, we are His fortress, He lives inside of us.
A few weeks ago I was really struggling with some insecurity lies about my self worth, my purpose and my identity.
Everytime lies try to invade, he resurfaces this foundational truth that has laid some deep grounds to my identity in Him.
He has rebuilt me with stones of turquoise, my foundations with lapis lazuli.
I never knew what lapis lazuli looked like or what it meant, so a few weeks ago I decided to research it. And this is what I found:
"Lapis is the Latin word for "stone" and lazuli is the genitive form for the medieval latin "Lazulum" which is taken from the Arabian word "Lazaward" meaning Heaven! Therefore it is the "stone of Heaven"!
It is a rare and precious stone that has been prized for its Intense blue color.
When I learnt this I was in awe, my foundations are made of Lapiz lazuli, the stone of heaven. My foundations are in Heaven.
I am a fortress he has rebuilt, one who has been with Him since before time living with Him in his heart! My beginning was not in my mom's womb but in the heart of my Creator in Heaven, Heaven is my real home and where my real foundations are.
This is how He sees me. I come from the thoughts and the heart of Beauty Himself Whose being is eternal and whose origins are in Heaven.
My battlements are made out of rubies. And all my walls are of precious stones.
Whenever I am dissatisfied in what my physical temple portrays and I find myself comparing myself to the "beauty" of this world, This is what he says to me because of this verse.
His temple, through my body, no matter what I see or what anyone else sees, to Him is being seen as a fortress made up of the most beautiful precious stones. This sight would be incomparable. No man nor the Creator of such thing would be able to take His eye off this. And THAT is how He sees us, this really is what He sees, we are created from the thoughts of Heaven.
He sees his Son when He looks at us, our Oneness with Him is what He sees, and so he therefore also sees the someday fullness of Israel when he looks at us individually because the Oneness we have with the Son reflects the Oneness that will someday come for heaven and earth, for The kingdom to invade earth and for Israel's fullness to come. That must be the most beautiful sight for Him! He has already seen Her Fully redeemed And he has placed that image of Her in us as we become one with the Son.
Our physical temple's are representations of the kind of vessel's we are and what we carry inside of us as individual keys to unlock the kingdom! The sight of you is his delight because He sees the outside shining the deeper mystery and the deeper glory of what's actually happening inside!
Beauty is completely ours in Christ. Believe in what He sees, believe you have His eyes. Inviting you into learning this with me; how to Fall in love with the temple He has made for Himself through physical appearance of the body.
Comparison will fall off of us when we are receiving this new belief!
Come little children and see yourself through the eyes of the Father!
and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
nor my covenant of peace be removed,"
says the Lord, who has compassion on you. "Afflicted city, lashed by storms and not comforted,
I will rebuild you with stones of turquoise,
your foundations with lapis lazuli. I will make your battlements of rubies,
your gates of sparkling jewels,
and all your walls of precious stones. All your children will be taught by the Lord,
and great will be their peace. In righteousness you will be established:
Tyranny will be far from you;
you will have nothing to fear.
Terror will be far removed;
it will not come near you." Isaiah 54:10- 14
Three years ago is when I was told who I was, when Love called me out of barrenness and into identity and purpose. And it was through this passage, the Lord speaking this over His people; Zion. He called me out of my widow-hood in spirit, he called me by name and He really told my heart it was redeemed and beautiful.
I guess He has taken me back there in my memories lately which is pretty significant since it was this time exactly three years ago.
He is our Redeemer, we are His fortress, He lives inside of us.
A few weeks ago I was really struggling with some insecurity lies about my self worth, my purpose and my identity.
Everytime lies try to invade, he resurfaces this foundational truth that has laid some deep grounds to my identity in Him.
He has rebuilt me with stones of turquoise, my foundations with lapis lazuli.
I never knew what lapis lazuli looked like or what it meant, so a few weeks ago I decided to research it. And this is what I found:
"Lapis is the Latin word for "stone" and lazuli is the genitive form for the medieval latin "Lazulum" which is taken from the Arabian word "Lazaward" meaning Heaven! Therefore it is the "stone of Heaven"!
It is a rare and precious stone that has been prized for its Intense blue color.
When I learnt this I was in awe, my foundations are made of Lapiz lazuli, the stone of heaven. My foundations are in Heaven.
I am a fortress he has rebuilt, one who has been with Him since before time living with Him in his heart! My beginning was not in my mom's womb but in the heart of my Creator in Heaven, Heaven is my real home and where my real foundations are.
This is how He sees me. I come from the thoughts and the heart of Beauty Himself Whose being is eternal and whose origins are in Heaven.
My battlements are made out of rubies. And all my walls are of precious stones.
Whenever I am dissatisfied in what my physical temple portrays and I find myself comparing myself to the "beauty" of this world, This is what he says to me because of this verse.
His temple, through my body, no matter what I see or what anyone else sees, to Him is being seen as a fortress made up of the most beautiful precious stones. This sight would be incomparable. No man nor the Creator of such thing would be able to take His eye off this. And THAT is how He sees us, this really is what He sees, we are created from the thoughts of Heaven.
He sees his Son when He looks at us, our Oneness with Him is what He sees, and so he therefore also sees the someday fullness of Israel when he looks at us individually because the Oneness we have with the Son reflects the Oneness that will someday come for heaven and earth, for The kingdom to invade earth and for Israel's fullness to come. That must be the most beautiful sight for Him! He has already seen Her Fully redeemed And he has placed that image of Her in us as we become one with the Son.
Our physical temple's are representations of the kind of vessel's we are and what we carry inside of us as individual keys to unlock the kingdom! The sight of you is his delight because He sees the outside shining the deeper mystery and the deeper glory of what's actually happening inside!
Beauty is completely ours in Christ. Believe in what He sees, believe you have His eyes. Inviting you into learning this with me; how to Fall in love with the temple He has made for Himself through physical appearance of the body.
Comparison will fall off of us when we are receiving this new belief!
Come little children and see yourself through the eyes of the Father!
Friday, 1 February 2013
Your love is truth
I wrote this last week when I was really struggling with tossing emotions. Just really getting swept off with emotions and what they were telling me. I got so upset at them telling me how to love, and God spoke so softly to me through the midst of me and my mess of tossy turny emotions, I am sure everyone can relate to this experience. It happens daily, when we have to set emotions aside and press into the truth grounded on His word and what His love would say about whatever our situation is. I have realized so much how immature my loving still is and wanting so much more to be loved and to love with the love founded on pure knowing and not just feeling. Of course God feels for me, but it is grounded on the knowing and the two come together so beautifully and perfectly. How secure and comforting to know that when I fail at loving based on truth because of getting swept away by emotion and when others fail to love me based on the truth first and just from pure emotion that He will always just know that He knows that He loves me.
"Your love it just knows that it loves me! Your love it just knows that it loves me!
You love me perfectly imperfectly grounded on the waves of emotion, your love rides on the the wings of faithfulness and devotion.
You love me grounded on the truth behind the cross,
and it's truth because it was carried out no matter the cost or what was lost.
Your love it just knows that it loves me! Your love it just knows that it loves me!
How secure and satisfied we can be in this kind of love that is perfect,
never changing its mind and leaving based on our own effect.
Even though my love tosses and turns like the waves,
your love stays the same, always sure and hopeful ; that's why it saves.
That's why Your my rock, my firm foundation,
even though my love always fails, in Your's there can never be hurt or devastation!
Your love it just knows that it loves me! Your love it just knows that it loves me!
Thats why there shouldn't be any fear of losing Your love,
You only want us; the Redeemed who you have only ever thought and dreamed of! "
"Your love it just knows that it loves me! Your love it just knows that it loves me!
You love me perfectly imperfectly grounded on the waves of emotion, your love rides on the the wings of faithfulness and devotion.
You love me grounded on the truth behind the cross,
and it's truth because it was carried out no matter the cost or what was lost.
Your love it just knows that it loves me! Your love it just knows that it loves me!
How secure and satisfied we can be in this kind of love that is perfect,
never changing its mind and leaving based on our own effect.
Even though my love tosses and turns like the waves,
your love stays the same, always sure and hopeful ; that's why it saves.
That's why Your my rock, my firm foundation,
even though my love always fails, in Your's there can never be hurt or devastation!
Your love it just knows that it loves me! Your love it just knows that it loves me!
Thats why there shouldn't be any fear of losing Your love,
You only want us; the Redeemed who you have only ever thought and dreamed of! "
Wednesday, 16 January 2013
Just some more of the Lord's poetry
Your beauty is found in no other one, the only beauty in you is your need for grace from the Son
When you are just receiving me, thats when you are the most beautiful that you can be
My heart is unbound for yours, my love it has no ceiling, walls, windows or floors
All I see in your beauty is me, when you are surrendered; abandoning yourself to thee.
"You don't even know how much you shine, and it's for no other reason than because your mine."
"Who is this who looks down like the dawn? Beautiful as the moon and bright as the sun?!"
It's my daughter, the one in whom my whole being finds delight, you look like an army of thousands with banners in my sight!
Sea of light is my most rarest jewel, you shine, reflect and resinate my light even more beautifully than the Darya ye noor!
"You don't even know how much you shine
And it's for no other reason than because you're mine"
Arise, shine, light has been in you since before you even knew and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you
My beloved is mine and I am hers, we are each other's and that romance allures. "
That romance is your fragrance that smells so sweet, it will give you a flock to carry, shepherd and feed at my feet.
"You don't even know how much you shine, and it's for no other reason than because your mine!"
Saturday, 12 January 2013
What we carry inside of us
In me is HOPE for the marriage of the bride and YOU Groom, the union of heaven and earth dancing in a beautiful ballroom
In me already is a covenant unseen, the purifying and cleansing of the Redeemed!
The vision for a redeemed is all You see as you look at me, You see her fullness, her beauty, the love between the Three!
Laying here covered in Your blood. Its all I see all over me
You have came into me and we have achieved the greatest intimacy.
You have made me all of You and
all of me together as one, I am the one and only lover for the Son.
I feel Your delight and how much You enjoy me, Your cries at the feel, thought and sight of You becoming me.
You love to be in me, You love to do this to me as you become me.
Thy Kingdom come, thy will be done, the oneness of the Father and the Son!
What You do in me is a symbol of what you are doing with her, Your crown jewel, Your daughter; redemption making her pure!
What I carry inside of me I have the authority to release, so as you teach me about the oneness I have with Your Son, it imparts piece by piece!
In me is HOPE for the marriage of the bride and YOU groom, the union of heaven and earth dancing in a beautiful ballroom
In me already is a covenant unseen, the purifying and cleansing of the redeemed!
So become more of me! So that I can see the future and the promise for Her, use me to mend, restore and revive her cure!
Beautiful Zion! Beautiful Jerusalem! Look, your Savior comes, He is becoming you and You are becoming Him, His kingdom is coming in YOU! Let him run through your veins and let him fill your heart! Your oneness with him is the key to the invasion, the union and the marriage that will someday come!
Isaiah 62 is the biblical promise for this and the hope we have rooted in truth!
As I was praying one night with a friend of mine we just got so lost in God's heart and we just started asking Him to show us what's going on up there in heaven that He want us to bring down!
Heaven is invading earth!
And as we did that, He just told us to always ask Him how He wants heaven to invade earth right now
Take us up there! Show us what's happening up there Father so that we can bring it down!
Heaven come down.
Making us vessels of Your cleansing, purification and sanctification!
Everything that happens in us with You is meant to pour out all around us to your people being redeemed!
Purify us more, sanctify us and help us become so aware of our oneness with You and the sanctification happening in us so that it can be poured out through us. What we carry in us we have the authority to release! In us there is unity happening with us and the Son that needs to be poured out, there is intimacy happening that the world needs. We are apart of this beautiful invasion and this beautiful promise. We carry the hope of unity inside of us.
In me already is a covenant unseen, the purifying and cleansing of the Redeemed!
The vision for a redeemed is all You see as you look at me, You see her fullness, her beauty, the love between the Three!
Laying here covered in Your blood. Its all I see all over me
You have came into me and we have achieved the greatest intimacy.
You have made me all of You and
all of me together as one, I am the one and only lover for the Son.
I feel Your delight and how much You enjoy me, Your cries at the feel, thought and sight of You becoming me.
You love to be in me, You love to do this to me as you become me.
Thy Kingdom come, thy will be done, the oneness of the Father and the Son!
What You do in me is a symbol of what you are doing with her, Your crown jewel, Your daughter; redemption making her pure!
What I carry inside of me I have the authority to release, so as you teach me about the oneness I have with Your Son, it imparts piece by piece!
In me is HOPE for the marriage of the bride and YOU groom, the union of heaven and earth dancing in a beautiful ballroom
In me already is a covenant unseen, the purifying and cleansing of the redeemed!
So become more of me! So that I can see the future and the promise for Her, use me to mend, restore and revive her cure!
Beautiful Zion! Beautiful Jerusalem! Look, your Savior comes, He is becoming you and You are becoming Him, His kingdom is coming in YOU! Let him run through your veins and let him fill your heart! Your oneness with him is the key to the invasion, the union and the marriage that will someday come!
Isaiah 62 is the biblical promise for this and the hope we have rooted in truth!
As I was praying one night with a friend of mine we just got so lost in God's heart and we just started asking Him to show us what's going on up there in heaven that He want us to bring down!
Heaven is invading earth!
And as we did that, He just told us to always ask Him how He wants heaven to invade earth right now
Take us up there! Show us what's happening up there Father so that we can bring it down!
Heaven come down.
Making us vessels of Your cleansing, purification and sanctification!
Everything that happens in us with You is meant to pour out all around us to your people being redeemed!
Purify us more, sanctify us and help us become so aware of our oneness with You and the sanctification happening in us so that it can be poured out through us. What we carry in us we have the authority to release! In us there is unity happening with us and the Son that needs to be poured out, there is intimacy happening that the world needs. We are apart of this beautiful invasion and this beautiful promise. We carry the hope of unity inside of us.
Tuesday, 1 January 2013
Intimacy.. In-to-me-see.
When I see me in your eyes
It's so easy to love!
No fear!
No shame!
I want your eyes!
Your eyes see me perfectly! You see in me, into me now you see and you love what you see!
You love what you see, right now as i'm me.
You love what you see, right now as i'm me.
I only want your eyes, I only want your smile. I only want your love. No others really see me and know me and speak back to me.
You love what you see, right now as I'm me.
You love what you see, right now as i'm me.
Your eyes tell me who I am, they tell me who you are, they show me how wide how deep how high how far..
You love what you see, right now as I'm me.
You love what you see, right now as I'm me.
They don't see the filth anymore, they say I'll love you more than I ever have before. I'll love you more than you see yourself now, I'll love you more than others know how !
You love what you see, right now as I'm me.
You love what you see, right now as I'm me.
"Are those eyes still your eyes I see?Let's achieve honestly. Do they still see through the lenses of fear and insecurity?
Look deeper, look deeper into my eyes. What do they see ?
I love what I see, right now as your you.
I love what I see, right now as your you."
It's so easy to love!
No fear!
No shame!
I want your eyes!
Your eyes see me perfectly! You see in me, into me now you see and you love what you see!
You love what you see, right now as i'm me.
You love what you see, right now as i'm me.
I only want your eyes, I only want your smile. I only want your love. No others really see me and know me and speak back to me.
You love what you see, right now as I'm me.
You love what you see, right now as i'm me.
Your eyes tell me who I am, they tell me who you are, they show me how wide how deep how high how far..
You love what you see, right now as I'm me.
You love what you see, right now as I'm me.
They don't see the filth anymore, they say I'll love you more than I ever have before. I'll love you more than you see yourself now, I'll love you more than others know how !
You love what you see, right now as I'm me.
You love what you see, right now as I'm me.
"Are those eyes still your eyes I see?Let's achieve honestly. Do they still see through the lenses of fear and insecurity?
Look deeper, look deeper into my eyes. What do they see ?
I love what I see, right now as your you.
I love what I see, right now as your you."
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