Husband-to-be.

I wrote this a few summers ago. Learning how to let masculinity lead me, laying down fear and control and letting myself be loved and cared for by masculine protection has and still is the biggest road block and wall for me in my life. It has affected lots of relationships in my life and is currently hurting the man who is trying so hard with so much supernatural perseverance and strength to pursue my heart whom I love so much. This is the sin I fight, this is also the sin that Jesus has paid for and has and is redeeming. This is my season of Jubilee as I see my Savior do these deeper things to my heart like He has never done before. It feels like He teaches us the same things as we wrestle with the same sins, but He is taking us that much more into Himself every time and abounding in grace so much more than the last time.
Right now, I am honoring dearly the man in my life who is loving me through all of this and I am also fiercely surrendering up praise to my Savior, who is, was and will be until He someday comes for me; my Husband to be.

I am so excited and honored to be coming together with a group of women this summer to allow God to open ourselves up more to Love and relationships, so encouraged to be doing this alongside other women and it is such an honor to share this with you so that the feminine hearts in particular reading this can relate and be encouraged.
"Throughout this summer, as I have been in more than a few weddings, for almost all of my best friends, God has spoken to me.
Standing up at the front of a congregation as a woman in the midst of a row of beautiful women with beautiful bouquets in their hands, God whispered to me his vows over and over again, at each ceremony.
As I watched each bride walk down their isle, coming to be grasped in their beauty by their husband to be, my husband to be would begin each time to whisper to me saying “This image is you my bride. You are beautiful my sister, my bride, come away with me, invite me into you, not just as your master, your creator, but as your lover and your husband- to- be".
My husband-to-be has been teaching me to let Him rescue me. I need to live more allowing masculinity to come through for me. I cannot come through for myself, I am not strong, I am so needy, needy for a deeper love.
So many woman put up defenses from past hurts of rejection that create controlling spirits. A woman that invites in control says to herself and others “ I do not need anyone, I do not need you”. This kind of woman has for so long thought that she is strong, that she is confident. This woman was me.
Truth: A woman cannot be fought for until she allows herself to be fought for. In so much thinking she has control she is actually being that much more controlled by the spirit of control built up in her by walls of defenses masking all the hurts in her life that have not yet been resolved. How can she let real love in? God desires to break down all the walls of our hearts that we put up to try and guard ourselves; he wants us to be completely vulnerable and desperate for a Savior. I want to be so poor and needy for a rescuer. And of course, once one can be desperate for a Savior rescuer, one can allow others to come into their life and rescue them just the same. Why is it so hard for some of us to let people rescue us? We are not strong. I have learnt this summer that the strongest show they are weak and they need people, just as they need a Savior Husband.
When we think of Lover God, do we think of him as a hero? As a bold warrior that is always victorious? Always quick to rescue and lead us? He is the very perfection of what masculinity should be. Other masculinities will fail us, and let us down and hurt us of course, but it is His ultimate source of masculinity, that when invited in and known, allows us to give grace to the rest of masculinity in this world and in that teaches us how to be led and fought for.
Song of Songs 2: 8-10.
“Ah, I hear my lover coming!
He is leaping over the mountains,
bounding over the hills.
My lover is like a swift gazelle
or a young stag.
Look, there he is behind the wall,
looking through the window,
peering into the room.
My lover said to me,
“Rise up, my darling!
Come away with me, my fair one!
To me this says that my first love that comes to rescue me is so big and strong that he bounds over hills and valleys just to come to me. How masculine does this sounds and what strength and power comes with this!
Or how about Isaiah 42:13-16

The Lord will march forth like a mighty man;
he will come out like a warrior, full of fury.
He will shout his battle cry
and crush all his enemies.

He will say, “I have long been silent;
yes, I have restrained myself.
But now, like a woman in labor,
I will cry and groan and pant.
I will level the mountains and hills
and blight all their greenery.
I will turn the rivers into dry land
and will dry up all the pools.
I will lead blind Israel down a new path,
guiding them along an unfamiliar way.
I will brighten the darkness before them
and smooth out the road ahead of them.
Yes, I will indeed do these things”

So in regards to all these things, I would love to thank my beautiful friends who have embarked on this courageous and daring journey of vulnerability, allowing masculinity to lead you. This to me has been such a precious gift because it has taught me how to let a husband lead me also. We are all invited to partake in the vows and receive this love journey from the Lord.
Oneness in marriage with the Lord is giving yourself fully and completely to that person, giving all of yourself with submission trusting that person with your life, that he will come through for you and that you cannot do anything yourself. What courage it takes to let someone love you like this.
Reliving each of one of those stunning brides walk down their isle in my thoughts has given me an even greater depth of understanding to my identity as a bride of Christ. That banner has much depth, and I am so excited to continue learning about my upcoming marriage with my Husband-to-be, both in this lifetime and and in eternity :)